Dan In Real Life

Mike LaSalle of the San Francisco Chronicle wrote the following simpering review about Dan in Real Life. Unfortunately, he's had to be MST3Ked. It's not his fault. It's not that we don't like him, or want to snark all over his work. It's just that sometimes things are so bad, it's the only way to keep sane. Much as if (off the top of my head) we were in the not too distant future, somewhere in time and space, trapped in a spaceship and forced to watch bad movies (the worst that they could find), whilst trying to keep sane with witty one-liners to an electronic audience... like this...

Except we're doing it with reviews.

So, back to Mike. Mikey... Can we call you Mikey? Cool.

"Funny - ok, Mikey. Stop right there. It wasn't funny. Unless you find family values funded programming (probably) friggin' hilarious. Maybe you're from the south, and just moved to San Fransisco. Yeah, ok...

and emotional - ok, Mikey. It was emotional, I'll give you that. In fact it was innovatively emotional - it actually makes the audience take on the 'everyman' character, instead of Steve Carell, as in our seats we emote humanly towards the Scary Family Army that is being bred before us. Our protagonist has apparently been brainwashed, however. It must be the Group Aerobics.

without any of - this clause has so much possibility

the sentimental shorthand - hurrah! Mikey - you've found the nub of the matter. There is NO sentimental shorthand. Well done. However, sentimental shorthand is also known, as "subtlety, body language, finesse and script writing that does not CLUNK into the audiences brains as their ticket prices CLUNK into the cold coffers of the Republican Party (probably). Oh well

found in most romantic comedies - good ones, then.

...Hedges' screenplay, - ah, Hedges. Hedgey - can we call you Hedgey? Cool. Oh Hedgey, where did it go wrong? Handily, I can pinpoint the very moment. It's the first line you wrote for Juliette Binoche, which lasts for 8 nonsensical paragraphs, sounds like a dubious translation from the lyrics of a French, postmodern, jazz odyssey, and yet INEXPLICABLY ISN'T RIDICULED BY STEVE CARELL. It was then. We like to be helpful!

co-written by Pierce Gardner - ah, Pierce. Piercey. Can we call you Piercey?... etc etc,

is close to perfection - much like an ace can be high or low, then. This is low, Piercey. Too low.

, and he brings it home - oh you, picked up on the subtle home-is-wear-the-heart-is-and-what-we-must-vote-for-in-2008 message, did you Mikey?! For the love of god this family has the schedule for Kellerman's Mountain Retreat programmed into their skulls by the Mother Who Controls The Bells. It doesn't worry you that you're already using the word 'home' as a synonym for 'glorious solution'?! Do a scene-by-scene, Mikey - check for subliminals... Oh, oh no! Don't - just WATCH THE GOD DAMN MOVIE!

with truthful performances - truthful like a documentary on family values cults

and camerawork that's tasteful and psychologically astute - when the most 'astute' element of the entire film is the camera operator, you gotta worry, right?...

One of the half-dozen best American - never! It's American? Like apple pie?! I'd never of guessed! *kisses the firm soil of Great Britain in sudden patriotism

films so far this year."

Ok Mikey. You're a critic, right? You get paid for this? Are you seriously telling me that this film is your top 6 of American Movies in 2007 until its release date in October? [The UK has only just had this inflicted upon us, thanks to the reprieve that comes from 3400 miles of ocean]

So in a list that includes Knocked Up, Babel, 300, 3:10 to Yuma, Bobby, The Great Debaters, The Darjeeling Limited, Hairspray, The Last King of Scotland, Juno, Before You're Dead, Charlie Wilson's War, No Country for Old Men, Letters to Iwo Jima, Sicko, Michael Clayton, Away From Her, Sherrybaby, Into the Wild, Stardust, Sunshine, The Bourne Ultimatum, - hell, you can event stick Ratatouille, Superbad and the awful Simpsons Movie in there - this makes your TOP SIX?!?!!

ARE YOU INSANE, Mikey?!!!

Review rating Superbad/10 Film rating 3/10

If you find something that needs MST3King, I'd be happy to oblige. Add a comment, and if it's so bad that sanity can only be reached through a good MST3K, you may well be saved.